How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
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I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.