Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
You Might Also Like
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
live long and prosper!
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
BRAKING NEWS!!
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough