“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
<- sleeps well with others
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor