“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
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Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
monday
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?