“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
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My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
#inspiration #foodforthought
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?