How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
You Might Also Like
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?