What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
he’s doing your taxes
Doug is just Canadian for dog
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.