girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I got bills
They’re multiplying
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
HOW DARE YOU
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.