How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
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The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10