HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
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Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
<- sleeps well with others
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Penguins walking in 5x speed