How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
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I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Your secret is safeish with me
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
The game has officially changed 😎
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.