How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
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That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Sorry not sorry.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.