Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
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Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Can Happiness buy money?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬