“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
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being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
March 16
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.