“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
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If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
my nickname in college
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E