@hrtbps: "How can it be global warming," pondered @realDonaldTrump, "if it's cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard."
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@BlindChow: (1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham (1:37pm) Abe: sup (1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son (1:42pm) Abe: k (4:02pm) God: jk lol (4:10pm) God: u there?
@_wangwe: Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don't think he'd know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
@neonwario: WWII was just all the people w/ time machines who went back in time to kill hitler fighting the time travelers who wanted to protect hitler
@WineMummy: Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs. Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.