@hrtbps: "How can it be global warming," pondered @realDonaldTrump, "if it's cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard."
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@darrinfb: I want my ashes scattered when I die. I don't like people visiting me now.... I'll be damned if I want visitors when I'm dead.
@jmhuntsinger: Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn't the first time you've failed in life.
@man_spach: I shut down my computer in the middle of an iTunes update and I think Siri just sent a Terminator back in time to kill teenage me.
@JoParkerBear: [USPS] M: *hands change of address form* C: Ma'am, this just says "bathtub." M: I live there now. C: We can't send mail to a bathtub. M: Yay