@hrtbps: "How can it be global warming," pondered @realDonaldTrump, "if it's cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard."
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@BlotterMonkey: Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can't really fly -next"
@internetluke: [first date] Me: don't let her know you're a lizard Her: why did you just say that? Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)