My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
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Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew