I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
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The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
no
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”