Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
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It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff