@sharky54301: How can you go broke making Twinkies when two states just legalized marijuana?
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@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it's the pug
@UncleDuke1969: *kneels to pray* “Hello, God?” “YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.” “Who is this?” “MY NAME IS BRAD.” “Are you in Heaven, Brad?” “NO, INDIA.”
@Underchilde: “I don’t mean to tell you how to do your job, but...” —People who are found buried in the woods
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "I'm tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I'm leaving you." Me: "You'll be back."