@curlycomedy: How can you teach your child about adversity if you don't leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?
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@thenatewolf: There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don't know if it's a murder or a rare Pokemon.
@TheMichaelRock: Today's assignment: pay it backwards. Tell the person in front of you that they're paying for your shit.
@jus4golf: 15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar. How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
@thelaurenobrien: How many times did people question the honesty of Shakira's hips before she finally decided to defend them in a song?