@curlycomedy: How can you teach your child about adversity if you don't leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?
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@wendchymes: * kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite * - dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
@michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.
@RoosterMustache: ME: want anything for breakfast? BOSS: just banana [struggling to hold office door shut] ANA: let me in! ME: sorry boss said to ban you
@howe007: If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you're a wizard.