*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
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I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
me
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”