If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
You Might Also Like
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I have questions??
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.