How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
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WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
CUTE CAT‼︎
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Y’all ready for this
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.