How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.