How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
You Might Also Like
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Coffee is ready.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.