How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
You Might Also Like
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.