How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
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a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.