How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.