@RobotThomas: How come Yoko Ono didn't marry someone from Nickleback instead?
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@Crunk_Jews: Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.
@LuvPug: People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with 'Glad you're not too sick to post your status'
@stockejock: Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. :(
@le_buns: "would u like some dessert?" i ask the moose head above the fireplace "no thanks im stuffed" i reply, in a slightly deeper voice