@moose_chocolate: How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
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@thatcarlygirl: "Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
@LeBearGirdle: *1st dinner date* Me: waiter, can I get the bill- Her: I love sophisticated guys Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the... william?
@JermHimselfish: Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we're gonna fight crime together
@FABrezebabe: *does coke* *has unprotected sex* *smokes cigarettes* "oh haha no I don't drink soda because it's bad for you"