When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school