How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
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VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I put the mess in domestic.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
*cough*
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.