“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
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Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.