@MaryKoCo: "How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?" "How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?"
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@MartaEffing: I hate when I'm cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I'm just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.
@MrSpoonicorn: i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
@ShutUpThatsWho: *job interview* Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? *pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people
@Donnie_Fairburn: "Son, hey son" Yeah dad? "Know why we named you Adopted?" *Sighs* Because I'm adop- "BECAUSE YOU'RE ADOPTED" Good one dad "I'm not your dad"