[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
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We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh