how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
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Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*