sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
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You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Hey! This isn’t my car!
😜