How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
guilty
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?