HOW DARE YOU
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Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️