@omgthatspunny: How did I get out of Iraq? Iran.
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@Jake_Vig: HER: I think we should see other people. ME: I don't. We're awful. We should leave other people alone.
@seancoleran: Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather? Me: Muggles....
@ScottLinnen: Turns out telling a friend "you're giving off a weird vibe tonight" is not the most direct way to tell them they're on fire