[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
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I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.