How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
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At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.