How did people charge their phones before electricity?
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Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Clients after you give them your rates
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
How all things should be taught/explained.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves