How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
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LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.