How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
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Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
wtf is an acronym
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.