Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
You Might Also Like
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
HELP 😭
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.