“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
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I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Raisins are grape jerky.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash