“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
You Might Also Like
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
#polloftheday
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall