The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
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6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.