How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.