me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
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Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children