How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
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In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.