How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
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it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
me and who
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.