How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
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*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Thursday
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before