@leechee420: How do I tell a guy that I'm only interested in him because I'd like to take selfies with his puppy?
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@kellyoxford: 7yr old "Do women get their periods on weekends too?" Me "Yes" 7yr old mutters to herself "Jesus Christ"
@Contwixt: Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
@mjkspeaks: [shopping] May I help you find something? “Where are the giants?“ What? “Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
@Dawn_M_: Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.