@leechee420: How do I tell a guy that I'm only interested in him because I'd like to take selfies with his puppy?
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@utofellatio: Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?
@Jay16282: The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
@amyjcordova: Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous? Me: The blood of all my enemies. Bartender: Me: Bartender: Me: Miller Light
@papasuncle: God: Basically u just chill. Cow: Nice. God: I mean, at first. Cow: ...then? God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.